Type A

I had to testify under oath today as a witness at a deposition.  It was work-related, and because I firmly believe that companies have rights to admonish and even fire employees for airing their going-ons to the public at large (i.e. in a blog), all I will say is my line of work is closely related to the legal field.  The fields are intertwined, if you will.  I know a hell of a lot of lawyers, most of them very awesome, altruistic people who really believe in what they do (hi Wavy!).   Law school was on my agenda until I became sick.  Now I just get to hang out with legal people, which works for me.

Because of my blood counts, I considered canceling today’s appointment but despite that I remained driven to put it past me, to get it over with.  And so despite not feeling 100%,  I schlepped 1 1/2 hours to the lawyer’s office today for my grilling.  On my way there, Monkey Man gave me what must have been a spinning back-kick (one of these days I’ll tell you about my martial arts experience) and I giggled.  Then I thought, Day, WTF?  You’re having a BABY.  There’s a BABY inside of you, and your blood counts are low, and here you are driving to no-man’s land to an inquisition…an inquisition for events you had no part of, for decisions you didn’t make.  You’re going to stress out, and this will make your counts even lower, and you promised Dr. CuttingEdge you’d lay low- you irresponsible martyr you.  If your friends in life or cyberspace did something like this you’d scold them up and down. And here you are, telling very nice people that work isn’t that important, that on your deathbed you’re not going to think about what a great employee you were but rather how you led your life, how much you loved people.  And you’re not doing a very good job loving yourself right now, ARE you?   

That type A thing -that thing that drives me to achieve and have control and do, do do – I thought I had kicked it’s ass once and for all when I elected to take a demotion.  Yes folks, not too long ago I was moving up, doing well for myself in the career department… I had a great reputation and was poised for quick progression to the higher echelon of management.  The raises were getting bigger and my name was out there – the rewards for years of hard work and dedication were truly paying off.  And I loved it.  This was all well and good until the PNH started really kicking in.   I began noticing mistakes.  Over time, things became that by noontime I had no energy to finish the day.  I spent a lot of time feeling spacey and weak and wound up always worrying what I was going to screw up because of it.  And what at the time was very awful for me, I consciously chose to step down, to demote myself so that I could assume a position where I could work from home most of the time.  This meant promoting my protege to my former position.  I packed up and with a heavy heart set up shop at home to begin life again as a worker bee, excluded from decision-making and important stuff.  Childlessness had always made me feel that I had better prove myself in life; I always thought (wrongly) that if I didn’t have kids, I’d best be doing something worthy of note with my life and for me, my career was that worthy thing.   Leaving that behind, along with a very precarious hope for children left me feeling like I had nothing.  It was hard to work through.  I was miserable for a long while.

Soon, however, I became healthier.  My blood counts went up and stayed up.  I felt clearer, more able to focus.  I could sleep in whenever I had a bad bout of hemolysis and even take a nap mid-day to refresh myself.  I had energy at night to give to Sal and meet with friends. I learned that I could do a great job and even enjoy tackling responsibilities that I formerly thought were behind (and yes, some days, "below") me.  I started to feel normal again, and over time attending meetings where I hear about things for the first time (instead of always being the one announcing things or having the inside scoop) stopped making me feel bad.   I slowly became (and still am becoming) okay with letting go of all that control.  Life is so much more than the office.  But without a baby, when you’re desperate to have meaning in your life, you cling to whatever you can. Before all this, I could say sure, I don’t have a baby, but at least I have a great career. 

And I guess some days, despite a baby on the way, like today, I relapse.  I get driven over certain things (not everything, I assure you – and by the way, despite opining vehemently in a previous post on my support of keeping one’s home nice, I was not always that way …before home ownership I was not caring much about the cobwebs nor scrubbing the floor behind the fridge.  Even now, with two dogs, it’s a losing battle at times, and I’m no neat freak.  I just like general cleanliness and new paint.  I digress).

What was I saying? Oh yeah- today I relapsed- forgot that my current lease on life would demand that I reschedule something like a depo when I’m feeling under the weather.   You know, that I put myself and my health and well-being over a job responsibility.  That’s what FMLA is for.  Ah well…old habits die hard.

So to myself, I say, I’m sorry.

And tomorrow I will make it up to me- I’ll sleep late, call in sick, put on the fuzzy slippers, eat yogurt (and ice cream too ;-)) all day and not worry about e-mail or faxes or who’s calling.  I won’t cut quilt pieces nor go food shopping.  I will revel in slackerness and allow my counts to come up.  I will put myself first.

I promise.